To Thine Own Self be True

For the first time in my life, I felt OLD today. At 34, I don't believe I am old. In fact, I usually have to think for a second when someone asks me how old I am b/c I still feel (& occasionally act & dress) like I'm in my 20's. But today, I just felt old. Here's why...

Last week, I signed up with an employment placement agency. Although I've pledged several times that I'd never get involved with one of these places again (after two strikes in Toronto & one in Orlando), when you find yourself in a new city, without many contacts, it becomes something of a no-brainer to enlist the help of an agency to find a job. And so, after some research, I contacted one that didn't look as soulless as the ones I've had previous experience with & waited to see what came back. To make a long story short, what came back is that my recruiter lady set me up with an interview this morning. Score one for recruiter lady!

The interview was at an advertising agency downtown; pretty close to what I told her I was looking for which was "something in a creative environment" (it's hard to go to a placement agency & tell them you're not quite sure what you're looking for, so that's what came out). Even though it's exactly what I don't want to get back into. Prior to our arrival in Portland, I had a lot of time to think about exactly what I want to do with my life work-wise & I came out on the other end with a strong desire to do something I'm passionate about; something that feeds my soul rather than just feeding my bank account; something that lets me explore & utilize my creative talents; something that allows me to have a good quality of life b/c that balance is important to me.

In short, I want to find something that lets me be me & I've realized the corporate world isn't it. The daily grind, office politics, the hierarchical structure, & the competitive nature of "the most stressed out person wins" isn't the best environment for me. I can survive in it, but I don't want to survive; I want to thrive. At the end of the day, I want feel like I've made a contribution. I want to help other people help themselves. I want variety & creativity. I want to be happy in my work.

I realize I have a big wish list of job wants, & I know I may not fulfill all of them right off the bat, but overall work-life balance is somthing I'll continually strive for, no matter how long it takes b/c I'll feel like I'm letting myself down if I aim for anything less. If I compromise my own beliefs, I'll be cheating myself & I'll feel that every day. Because I also know from experience that going to a job you hate every day really takes it out of you. It turns you into a different person. It makes you angry, bitter, sad & hopeless & when you're normally a fairly happy person, it's hard to lose hope.

Where was I? Oh, right, back to the story...I drove into Portland this morning & found out where I was supposed to be at 11:15 a.m. Of course, it was only 10:15 by this time so I had an hour to kill. As luck would have it, there was a Whole Foods market very close by. Yay! I wandered around the aisles, used the bathroom, got myself a latte & a "breakfast gem" cookie & sat in the cafe with my trusty Sudoku puzzle to help pass the time. Sudoku is definitely a good way to make "nervous time" (definition: the time between now & when your interview/dentist appointment/public speaking engagement/wedding/insert scary choice here begins) pass quickly. Pretty soon, it was time to use the bathroom again (coffee probably wasn't the best choice) & head to my meeting.

Upon entering the agency, my body immediately went into intense rejection mode. It knew it didn't want to be there & it told me right away. The building was absolutely huge...way bigger than any advertising agency needs to be...& it felt like a museum. A very cold, hard, stone museum. No warmth whatsoever. It was certainly impressive, but I wasn't there to be impressed. I also wasn't there to feel intimidated (which I'm sure this building has done to many an entrant) & I was proud of myself for NOT having any sense of that feeling creep into my demeanor.

As I waited in reception, I furtively looked around (while pretending to be immersed in the Life section of USA Today) at the goings-on of the agency. It was all stuff I'd seen before: people working in little corners here & there, perhaps in an attempt to get away from their desk for a few minutes, or maybe just to have a bit of peace & quiet; a meeting on the couch opposite me about media buys & what markets needed to be increased; numerous 'beautiful people' walking around holding artwork; three girls at reception talking about what they did over the weekend. In my 20's, all of this would have impressed me & intimidated me at the same time. I used to think, "Wow, all of their jobs must be really hard" or "I can't imagine working in such an official-looking place", just b/c of the constant hustle & bustle. But, that seems to have worn off & now it just makes me feel tired. Not b/c I'm missing the drive or work ethic to do it, but b/c I know I don't want to do it HERE. In an office.

Lest anyone get the wrong idea, when I began working in advertising 9 years ago, I did enjoy it for the most part. Since it was my first taste of the working world after university, it taught me a lot about dealing with multiple personalities (& I don't mean that in a schitzophrenic kind of way...although some of my co-workers could have passed for it), multi-tasking, thinking outside the box, getting out of my comfort zone, being a team-player & all of those other cliches that are used to describe corporate culture. It also taught me that I don't take it well when someone has the power to 'make' you fax something just b/c they can when the fax machine is on their way to your desk & they could just as easily do it themselves. Many sarcastic, under-my-breath or in-my-head comments have been directed towards my superiors ever since. And according to corporate culture, this makes me a non-team player with a bad attitude.

While we're on the subject, I have a serious problem with the word 'superior' in the business world. Because other than one (bonjourno Steffano Bruno!), I've never felt that my supervisors were superior in a human being kind of way. Actually, they've been rather inferior & the fact that they're labelled with a word that means "..greater in quality or value than.." really irks me. If you don't know how to add paper to the photocopier & you think it's beneath you to learn, in my book, you're NOT superior! And, by the way, how did you even get to be a manager without knowing how to work a copier?!

I am not, nor do I want to become a 'climber' who's anxious to make it up the corporate ladder. I don't want to sacrifice my life & my marriage to work regular overtime hours at something I'm not passionate about. It's just not me. I know it works for some people & I admire their drive & ambition, as well as the fact that they've known for many years that that's what they wanted to do. I, on the other hand, have floundered a lot more & it's taken me a while to figure out where I want my place to be. But now that I have a better idea, it's difficult to entertain the possibility of anything else.

Which brings me back to my original topic (I seem to be going off on many tangents today & haven't been good about sticking to the subject) of feeling old. This morning, the thought of going back to office life, working 9-6 (or 9-9), dealing with morning traffic, reporting to a manager, feeling like I have to climb my way to the top, having to praise my own efforts b/c it's not often that others do, was all too much for me. I drove home with a distinct feeling of, "I'm too old to get back into all of that again" bearing down on me. There's too much bullshit involved & I can see it a lot better now than I could when I was in my 20's...I'm just not as good at hiding my distaste for it anymore.

Maybe all of this is exactly what your 30's are for. To get to know yourself better & start to become yourself more. To cut out the bullshit & figure out what works for you. To find out what makes you happy rather than trying to please everyone else. To stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks. To be true to yourself. To be who you were meant to be.

Find your happiness,
PortlandGirl